Kalyani
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About Kalyani

Kalyani is a forty-something year old IT and corporate-world veteran.

Lives in

Bangalore

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Realization, Enroute

Kalyani

Language wise, the flow is quite nice, though elements such as punctuation and choice of words / phrases needs some work. But overall … I think you definitely can write!

However, the blurb didn’t really catch my interest and sorry to say, neither did the sample chapters … I was simply unable to get involved with the protagonists and their lives.

Also, the main character seems to be a teenager who has figured out quite a bit already – the thing about life dragging a person along and so on. I wonder why such a teen needs “realization” :)

Jan 03 '16
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Tushant Juneja

Thank you for the constructive criticism. It'll help me write better in the future. :)

Jan 03 '16
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RIZE: Ragnaerok

Kalyani

Thorin, New Kingdoms, Five Gods, Wastelands of Roth, Ragnaer …
Sounds like Game of Thrones or other books in that genre!

And I guess that is one of the major issues I have with this story. Since the author obviously has what it takes to write a fantasy novel, can he please try and write “Indian” one?

But otherwise, pace and language are fairly decent

All the best!

Dec 19 '15
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Raj Dhoreliya

Thanks for the review and read Kalyani. I will work on those points to develop it further.

Mar 08 '16
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The Mystery of Bila Land

Kalyani

I found the blurb quite interesting.

But as I read, I felt that there is a lot of detail that does not really help with character building or in moving the story forward. Reads more like a screenplay … Of course, these are just the first three chapters, but I still feel the manuscript could do with some serious trimming.

All the best!

Dec 19 '15
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An Autograph for Anjali

Kalyani

Would definitely like to read further.

I know that the first three chapters are dedicated to introducing the characters, but if possible, please try building up some tension as early in the book as possible.

All the best!

Dec 19 '15
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Sundari Venkatraman

The ebook is already published on Amazon. Also available on #KindleUnlimited. If you are a fan of paperbacks, you can buy that version here: https://notionpress.com/read/an-autograph-for-anjali

May 16 '16
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Sundari Venkatraman

Thank you :)

Dec 23 '15
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The Unvanquished

Kalyani

The blurb is definitely interesting, but the sample chapters didn’t really help me figure out how this tale was going to be different from the popularly known version or the many other modern versions. Of course, if the entire manuscript were made available, I would patiently read it till it reached a stage where this retelling’s uniqueness started making itself felt. But since I don’t have access to the entire book, and also since many such retellings / versions have been and are being attempted, it would be great if the author could introduce the book’s USP as early as possible … maybe start with a big-bang prologue?

Apart from that, I found the writing and pace nice and easy though I stumbled across some sudden shifting / mix up of tense. Nothing a round of proof reading cannot solve.

All the best!

Dec 19 '15
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Geetha Krishnan

Thank you for the review. I shall watch out for the errors. :)

Dec 19 '15
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The Wooden Horse

Kalyani

Story line is definitely relevant, given the times we live in. Pace is good too.

The writing is quite basic though, so am hoping the actual events in the story make up for it. I will need to read a bit more to rate this manuscript objectively. However, I give it two stars based on what I have read.

Nov 24 '15
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Jagdish Jagtap

Thank you for the constructive review!

Nov 28 '15
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Faceless Gods

Kalyani

A very topical and relevant storyline!

But I felt that the style of writing is not in synch with the times … too descriptive, too floral and somewhat slow paced.

Nov 24 '15
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End to Start

Kalyani

From the blurb, I gather this is a refreshing story about the ‘return to innocence’, but the sample didn’t really get me excited.

As far as the writing goes, I thoroughly enjoyed the bit about Mrs. Patil and her dog. There are some parts where you have used great imagery to describe feelings (heart bleeding through a million pinholes, being hit by a crowbar, etc.), but overall, language does need a lot of rework:

“put(ting) them (offenders) on a pedestal for everyone to see” is probably not the right turn of phrase as ‘putting someone up on a pedestal’ implies holding someone in high esteem or honouring someone for their perfection etc.

‘you get a stamp of being a Puneite when you discuss food’ can be rephrased as a more imaginative ‘an enthusiastic description of food you ate at a restaurant easily betrays your hometown, so much so that I have a nagging suspicion that a Puneite can never go undercover’

‘weird’ and ‘creepy names of villages’ … what is creepy about Haglur? :)

‘can u believe that any dish’ … ‘U’? :) … I am sure that was an oversight … but what it does make me think is that your fingers are desperately trying to keep up with a very rapidly developing story. I in my experience that usually leads to not just typos, but an overall raw manuscript - the idea is there, but execution needs a lot of effort.

Nov 21 '15
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Another Me

Kalyani

Great story line … definitely want to read further. Good pace and writing too.

Few comments, though-

Break between chapter 2 and 3 seemed a little random.

A little rework on the language needed – for example - I don’t think you’ve even liked a girl before (ever?), kept haunting me consistently (constantly?) , I would have pulled his leg on (about?) it.

Lastly, don’t want to come across as a prude, but if the manuscript contains more on what Shalin or Shekhar think of Priya, maybe you could tone down the nastiness a bit? Generally, Shalin comes across as someone who wants to get to know girls, but doesn’t actually like them as people? If that is how you want the character to be, that’s fine, but if not, it might help to know that some of your female readers (like me) may feel somewhat uncomfortable with that aspect of the story

Nov 18 '15
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Mishal

Thank you so much for your honest feedback. Glad to know that you liked the book; you made my day.

Nov 23 '15
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HELL WISHER

Kalyani

Very interesting story line! Nice pace and believable dialogues. And funny too! Talk about injecting bums without prescriptions … ha ha ha …. And I thoroughly enjoyed the bits about boys ‘surrendering to Paresh’s analysis’, ‘grain in a grinding machine’, ‘soaking in a big bottle of … Benadryl (of all the things to soak in!)’. For no reason at all, I found myself liking Baba, Sougata, Sandeep and Anish 
But, as is becoming a standard feature in all my comments, the language element needs rework, especially in the descriptive parts. I wonder if I am being pompous when I comment on language because writers have every right to innovate in the language department (and I did love your turn of phrases), but then I did feel that there was much room for improvement.
Let me explain with an example. ‘The other man narrowed his brows’ should ideally be ‘the other man lowered his brows’, or ‘the other man’s brows came together’, or ‘the other man knitted his brows’, or simply ‘the other man frowned’ … depending on what you want him to do :). It is just that ‘narrowing brows’ is not a phrase I have come across earlier and it gets me wondering … is the writer hinting at a sinister frown or a perplexed one or just a tired one?
Second example – things are usually clutched tightly … not ‘sternly’.
Third example – ‘right now it was unsure to predict whether the bullet had done it’ … ‘unsure to predict’ doesn’t quite come together …
Siddarth, I know I have given a long speech instead of a review and I am really sorry about that! As I have mentioned in another review comment, I don’t get things right the first time either … because I am so focused on the story that the language goes out the window. So once the story is done, I sit down and just edit, edit, edit, and then edit some more. Boring job … par kya karein!!
PS - My manuscript is actually quite nice now . I would love to see the next version of yours.

Nov 14 '15
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Cruise To Life

Kalyani

Good effort.
I am a little confused though, about how Rita, Goldie, Jolly and Shipra can be friends who grew up together since Rita seems a lot older than Shipra (Rita’s been working for a decade and a half while Shipra is a post grad student? I get the feeling there is at least 10 years between them?).
Also nothing much seems to happen in the third chapter (at least when compared to the first two). The pace seems to drag a little once the group gets on to the ship.
Apart from those little details, language in general, can do with some rework

Nov 13 '15
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Kalyani

Nice concept.
But I felt that character development and a general sense of story build-up is missing. Of course, you want to quickly get down to the real story of what happens to Krish after the meltdown, but the time devoted to defining Krish as a person will help your readers identify with, empathise and sympathise with a protagonist who, as the prologue informs us, is soon about to commit suicide despite having lived an easy life.
Language and other narrative elements too need some polish

Nov 13 '15
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Rashmi Rathi

Thanks for taking some time out to read and giving feedback!

Nov 19 '15
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The Legend of Devyani

Kalyani

Great story idea and great start … the story gets going from page one.
Language and flow does need a lot of attention though. I often felt somewhat confused while reading.

Nov 13 '15
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Varchaswi

Thank u Kalyani....

Nov 27 '15
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Summons from the Creator

Kalyani

Story idea sounds really interesting.
I liked the narration – it is nice and easy. Ameeya’s character build up, her relationship with Kirti, her creepy boss, and the deceptively quiet and sudden intro to the ‘weirdness’… all very nicely done.
However, the language aspect (choice of words / phrases, punctuations) does require a lot of work. My writing isn’t all that great either, but I find that repeated edits after a gap of a few months works wonders. And in the gaps between edits, I read books written by other good Indian authors. I find that that helps too. So keep reading, reviewing, and editing!
All the best!

Nov 12 '15
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Priya Sidharth Sethi

Thanks for the review Kalyani!

Nov 13 '15
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